i know it’s feburary, but i’m starting my new year now. i got a new job (and i should be working) but i also kept my old job. so i’m working both jobs part time to keep a full time paycheck. yesterday a co-worker quit and when i return on monday i won’t have the usual song and dance of verbal abuse and profanity to look forward to. it actually made me sad in more ways than one. (i remind myself of citizen kane. the way he wanted to be loved but in return only gave people what he could buy. i want to be liked by all above everyone and all i give in return is my company. kane had money. i don’t. all i got is me. not love. i just want to be loved but not have to love back in return. that shit is too painful and usually not worth it) i am stuck working any job that i can get because i’m not educated enough (though i went to college and have a bachelors of science in web and multimedia design (and i don’t even understand enough to edit my own template) i have nothing to show for it). i’m only educated enough to know that i’m trapped.
i read an article the other day about how joy can be bad for you, because when you have everything you want you don’t strive for more. i guess that’s why i’m so miserable. so that i can earn the joy that will eventually make me stop wanting to be better. maybe the idea is that when you reach what you perceive to be “as good as it gets” you just accept it.
whatthefuckever.
brings me back to miguel. he’s the guy who quit yesterday and in doing so made my envy nearly consume me (hyperbole? i dot that a lot). it’s true. all true. of course i act stoic and act like his absence doesn’t matter to me, but if my life were a book (or movie, be thankful it isn’t because it’d be more boring than this blog) he would (does?) symbolize a kind of freedom that i don’t have. and won’t ever have. i am tied down to my jobs that will (if hope is a method) pay off my student loans (fuck fuck fuck) which will follow me around the rest of my dismal life (and work history) as a reminder that i made a mistake which has ruined my life (ok, that’s dramatic, but it’s significantly ruined my over all mood that i live life in). he’s gone. moving away, leaving the shit job behind which i will drive to on monday morning. i hate to say it and sound overly emotional, but it was more bearable with him there. and now the empty seat will just remind me that though i have a college education and am thousands of dollars in debt that i was still sitting next to a pot smoking high school dropout who made eight (8!) dollars more than i do. it’s not that i think less of him (i don’t. i admire that, in fact. that he was able to do better by not following the rules). we’re lead to believe that if we work had we will be rewarded. who’s doing the rewarding? i’m due for a reward. aren’t you?
what’s the use anyway? i chose this path. i just didn’t realize it was the wrong one. i’ve hit a brick wall and now i’m supposed to believe that if i try hard enough to get over it (or find a way around) that i’ll be ok. i think the problem is that i do believe there is a way around. or over. the problem is that i want that to be true.
i have to remind myself that my problems are not the greatest. that there are people in worse situations out there (just as there people in better situations). i have to remind myself that i am normal; no better than you. or him. that my problems are few. that i complain to hear myself talk. or to read what i’ve written. i have to remind myself that it could be worse. and well. though i’m glad it isn’t, i tend to forget that from day to day.
i’m lower middle class. i’m desperate. i own things. i get stuck in traffic. i drink. i read. i lie.
i’m normal.
