what it means to me; nothing. i’m no going to waste time writing about valentines day.
ok, i lied. i am.
i’m sure a lot of people think that those who are against or get irritated by this holiday are those who are single. that’s not true. i’m not single. and i’m in love (or the closest i can be since some are so inclined to say i don’t know what it is). i just don’t like it. and it’s not for the usual jaded reasons that it’s a sham holiday made for candy company and card makers.
i dislike valentine’s day because to me it says you can be a shit companion (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc) 364 days a year, but valentine’s day is the day you show you’re true love. and if you don’t show your true love then you don’t really love at all then, do you? it’s a day where your emotions are measured by money, candy and jewelery.
sure buy your wife (girlfriend, fiancée, etc) candy (or take her out to an expensive dinner), so that when she gains weight you won’t love her anymore. the year after that buy her some lingerie which she won’t wear because she’s fat. then you’re not gonna get laid. so the year after that make sure you use valentines day to have sex because your wife is too fat for your liking now and you just wish she would work out and take care of herself and fit into that teddy you got her so you can get a blowjob from a hot woman. on the other hand, if your wife doesn’t like candy, get jewelery (unless she’s gained too much weight and the petite little rings don’t fit anymore). but if her fingers are still just right, a diamond never goes out of style. it may be costly but rest assured that you’re paying for not having to dig for the damned stone yourself! how many countless third world country miners (of all ages) have died and suffered oppression and occupation for that precious rock? or if gaining from others misery is not your style, get her a stuffed animal (sweat shop workers do have it better than third world miners). make sure it’s really corny and she would never have a use for it and would never buy it for herself. or, i’ll be damned if i forgot, flowers! sure thing; cheap, plentiful and good smelling. she’ll be delighted you thought to buy her such a temporary gift. something she has to care for everyday just like she does for you (and your kids if you have ‘em). and when the flowers die they’ll be discarded with nothing but memories to last. just like she’ll do for you. not bad for ten bucks, hey?
or
get you husband (boyfriend, fiancé, etc) something totally mushy and unnecessary (and annoying), like a card. or make a nice candle light dinner, because you know it’s not like you cook most of the time anyway and doesn’t everyone like candles? or better yet, have your man help you make dinner; there’s nothing like sharing chores after a long days’ work. and you can even have him help with the cleaning! how romantic would that be? and if he doesn’t want to do that, i’m sure he’d appreciate a nice, quiet, relaxing night watching a romantic movie. or do him a favor and watch a romantic comedy because you know he likes comedy, right? he would totally appreciate sitting through some sappy love story all the while being aware that he’s not living up to that standard. but wait! he might appreciate a nice gesture. like the gesture of a mouth on a penis. but then his stomach gets in the way because he’s eaten too much over all these other valentines, and your mouth is dry and suddenly…what’s this? has it actually gotten…smaller?! if dinner and a blow job won’t work, try something you would get him at any other occasion, like tools, bbq accessories, cologne, etc. because you know he can always be fixing something he’s ignored (usually the things you use the most). or he could easily be cooking just as much as you do and he even gets to be outside (instead of the kitchen which needs a new refrigerator and the cabinets are hanging on by their eroding hinges). or he can always try a little harder to smell good (but anything other than his current body odor would be an improvement). but, if all else fails, buy him a prostitute.
if you don’t at least try to make it a happy and romantic day as proof of everlasting love then you just don’t know what love is. you don’t know the joy and happiness that comes when you think you’ve done right but you haven’t. you have no idea how great it is to spend money on a huge stuffed animal just to see it occupy most of the space in a dumpster . how great is that feeling to find that you don’t fit into that lingerie anymore? or that eating candy from heart shaped box makes you think of how fat you are rather than how much someone will love you no matter what?
fine. maybe i don’t know what love is. but i do know it doesn’t just happen on one day of the year.
